PND: How Can You Help?

This week I was asked to do a guest post for the Wriggly Rascals team! I was delighted they'd asked & so here it is:

When I unexpectedly fell pregnant with my second child a lot began to change for me. Not only did we have to find a new house, & did I have to give up the job I loved, but I faced a struggle worse than any I’d experienced throughout my life: depression.

For the most part I felt as though I couldn’t cope with everyday life; that I was worthless & pathetic for being unable to keep on top of simple day-to-day tasks; that my children would be better off without me & that I deserved none of the good in my life. 

Please read on over at Wriggly Rascals, who I've done this guest post for!


You can also help a Mum in need by taking a quick survey, right here


About Wriggly Rascals
Wriggly Rascals was set up by Shona Motherwell, a frustrated mum of twins Mhairi and Archie to get mums together to share pregnancy, baby and toddler advice via quick surveys to get the facts about what other mums do. Our mums pass on loads of great tips to mums who have asked for help. If you would like some advice, get in touch at www.wrigglyrascals.com
They really are doing wonderful things, please take the time to see for yourself!

Groovy Mums,

As you all know, I try to take part in the Groovy Mums blog hop over at Kate On Thin Ice's place.
As you all know also, I'm a bit rubbish at all this 'organisational skills' stuff (ahem, lazy, ahem) but from time to time I find the will to live, love & blog & give it a stab!

Kate sets us challenges, which are optional. Here are this weeks & how I've got on:


1. Body – What new ways can you find to take exercise?  Check out what is offered at your local leisure centres and community venues.  Is there something you could do at home to increase your fitness?

Running hasn't been going so well. You probably know by now that I'm running the Great North Run this year for Mind. I'm doing this because I suffer from mental health issues & Mind are a charity doing a lot of good for people in similar situations & their loved ones too. Please take a look at my page & if you like what you see then please sponsor me, just a pound is more than fine!
I love swimming & I go when I can, but with the girls to look after all the time it can be a bit tricky even working out time to go for a run, never mind to bob down to the pool & do all that wet-swimwear-stuck-to-bits-it-shouldn't-be-stuck-to palava!

2. Mind – It is Depression Awareness Week.  Have you experienced depression?  Do you know how to spot the signs of depression in your loved ones and others?  Check out http://blackdogtribe.com for information and support with mental health issues.  They are also asking for your stories.

If you think that you or a loved one are suffering then you should follow the link for Mind, above, & also check out the Black Dog Tribe (link also above). They're a bit bloody good, & offer support for all. Also, Ruby Wax heads it, so it's got to be good! If I have the time & energy then perhaps I will go & submit my story to them.

3. Blogging – Did you know http://britmums.com publish round-ups of good posts on certain issues such a food, politics, special needs, green issues, health and more?  Why not promote your posts to the editors of these round-ups and raise your profile?


No Kate, I did not know that! I should probably get on it!

4. Special Days – This week saw us marking St George’s Day.  Is there a dragon that you need to tackle in your life?

Dragons, Ogres, Trolls & the bloody oven needs cleaning too.

5. Charity Connections- Get shopping online and hundreds of retailers will give a percentage of what you spend to a charity of your choice.  Click here http://www.give.as/kateonthinice  and register for free for Give As You Live with your name and email address.  Do it today!  You don’t have to spend any money now but it means when you do shop online you can ensure some of the money goes to a good cause.  Why wouldn’t you?  When you click, you will see poppies because I am personally raising money for the Royal British Legion but you can register here and then when you shop, you can select a charity of your choice.

Done! Do it too. Do it...

6. The Big Question – What has the last year brought you? Are you happy with it?

Holy crap, that's a very big question.

This last year has brought me, in no particular order:

• A Baby (surprise!)...
• & with that a very joyous day.
• A new home, & it's not all bad.
• Extreme exaserbation of a mental health problem.
• Dark days, the likes of which I've never experienced before.
• Good days, which are so much more appreciated thanks to all of the above.
• Huge change & upheaval, some good, some not so good.
• A lot of new blogger friends  & a few 'real life' ones too.
• Confirmation that I am fairly good at some things I enjoy, such as writing.
• A new health mission & goal to run a half marathon.
• 57 bibs.
• Better skin.
• Terrible hair.
• A penchant for pedicures & facials (which I cannot afford, for sure)

Am I happy with it?

I have learned, this year, that happiness is not a destination, it is not something you should strive to arrive at. I'm not just going to suddenly wake up & realise that I'm happy & sadness will never touch me again. That would be dull. But I've realised that despite all the awful feeling that I've experienced this past year, happiness is something that will always come back around & hopefully one day in the not so distant future I'll find a nice balance & be able to get on with it all, just taking the good with the bad & taming those beasts depression & anxienty.

I'll tell you what this year hasn't brought me though...

These:

But, fear not world, for it is not too late...

Why not just have a little look-see...

I'm a size seven, by the way.

Fundraising...How?!

As you all know, in September I plan on running  the Great North Run for Mind. To do this Ineed at least £300 of sponsorship. Turns out this is all a little bit tricky!

What I'd like to know is how have you raised money for a cause in the past?

I'm thinking bake sales & putting some stuff on eBay, but have you got any more creative or plain ingenious ideas?

If you would like to sponsor me or see more about why I'm doing the run then please see my fundraising page.

Thamks all, look forward to hearing your suggestions!

Last Night

Looking back on last nights pitch black darkness post, I think it's fair to say I was slightly over-reacting. The thing that I forgot to take into consideration is that my partner is not the type to go into some strip club for his own satisfaction at any given time. Though the whole industry does not sit well with me he is not hugely buying into this & so I can cope with that. After all, he writes blog posts about how wonderful I am while mostly I just air my insecurities on my blog. I think that says a lot.

Last night was not a good one. I've been doing well, but last night I was well & truly going out of my mind. It was the kind of night that saw me rendered incapable of switching off that ever-anxious mind of mine.

Two thirty came as I was losing it in the bathroom, tearing through the medicine basket, & lining up what was there, just to see. Not much, as it happened. It's so stupid when I think back. So bloody stupid but when I'm there I'm blind to anything else. Trapped in my claustrophobic black box. Three o'clock came & saw me pull myself together slightly, only to fall apart again fifteen minutes later. I text a friend describing my piteous state & she was there. I am very, very lucky to have someone there for me when I need. Very lucky indeed, & once again I calmed.

Three forty five. I needed to get out of the house. I left & walked up the street & back. The stillness & darkness was comforting & the crisp, clear air that allowed me a panoramic view of the blue-black, star sprinkled sky was refreshing. I wasn't in the least bit tired & so I gazed into the unfathomable, for as long as I dare, before I spotted a figure at the end of the street. I was nervous & so I made my way back into the four walls & felt instantly confined. Chamomile tea. A little writing. Back to bed.

Four thirty & I cried & cried & cried. My partner woke but didn't know what to do, in half a stupour. I don't know what to do on these nights either, so he must feel even more helpless. I cried & I talked but I didn't talk about the medicine basket stuff. I felt such an idiot. That stuff doesn't make any sense when you say it out loud. It's really scary too.

Today, well, I've stopped crying I think. I told him about the scary stuff. Today is the hangover. Tomorrow is starting yet again.

The Battle

I know how stupid I sound. In fact, I know how ridiculous all this really is - the tense feeling in my chest, the writhing in my stomach & the hot surges of adrenaline that burst through me for the smallest of reasons. I know that this is all caused by some malfunction, some imbalance in my brain. It's just that I'm going a bit wrong & I know that it can be fixed. I know all this & yet, just knowing is not enough to make it stop.

I want to finish this & I want to finish it now.

For a change, my moods have been good & I've felt as though the suffocating presence of the beast that is my depression has lifted somewhat. The beast has retreated for a while. I can breathe now, but I cannot relax. The anxiety makes me feel sick, so sick that I find it difficult to eat, that is when I remember to. I am excruciatingly aware of the fact that I must eat for it to abate & I am feeling stronger - my fight is back - yet the beast has changed. It can't hold me in it's grasp & smother me at the moment & so it is trying to trip me instead.

Sometimes I feel as though I am battling so hard & so well that I am on the edge of victory, but never have a been able to end the fight & most of times I don't believe I ever will. I think this could be something that I will have to do for the rest of my life. I can only hope that the beast will tire & some of the time I will get to rest. I will get to breathe; smile; be.

As I write, there is a wave of sickness & dizziness sweeping over me. I often forget to eat & when I do eat I eat crap. I'm paranoid & terrified that I will drop down dead from some sort of heart attack due to poor diet & being underweight (I'm not underweight - yet) & it all goes in those ever turning circles. I wish knowing was enough to make it stop. I wish that I could just snap my fingers & get on with life, but at the moment I feel weary & worn. Tomorrow, I will get up & I will show strength some more, but for how long?

The gaps between the dark days are getting longer. I see the sun is shining, both outside & inside my minds eye, more often than it has for a long time & my good days really are good ones. They are good instead of not-so-bad days. But the bad days? Well, they are brief & sparse & I am so thankful for this but they seem more intense, they hurt more. There is anger in the mix too. I think this is a show of my strength returning but my anger is often wrongly directed.

Overall, I'm positive & I feel as though this is a new stage of the journey. The conrtast is greater but I have the upper hand now.

There's light, people. There's a little ray of light.

Trapped in a box with two kids & my own sanity

For the past three months or so, I have spent almost 24 hours of every day with someone - be that with my children, partner, friends. When I think about this it scares me. A lot.

I am the kind of person who loves to be solitary. Don't get me wrong, there are a few nights a week where my partner works late & when the kids are in bed I am technically left to my own devices, however I have no choice but to stay in the house & it frustrates me that I can't even pop to the shops or go for a run. I often feel very trapped & therefore it is increasingly difficult for me to appreciate these evenings.

I envy my partner who has his car journeys to work & his freedom throughout the day. I envy him to the point that I almost resent him & this scares me.

My latest pregnancy was a shock to us to say the least. I was happy in my job & with my life in general when I found out. I did know that I would have to find a new job anyway, regardless of the pregnancy but because I was pregnant this swayed my decision to take something part time rather than the full time hours I'd previously enjoyed. We also had to move in together & this meant that I went from being fully independent to almost fully dependent on him.

I feel so angry that, though I love my children & appreciate the time I get to spend with them I am now left with no independence, money or sanity & that I have no choice but to be a full time mum. It isn't my partner's fault but it isn't my fault. Society & it's expectations of women plays a small part though generally this situation was unavoidable, so why do I still feel so angry & resentful about the whole deal?

All I wish for is a little more flexibility & freedom. My partner works long hours & we don't have any family close by. I constantly feel as though I am trapped & am going out of my mind. I often feel as though the only way out is to not be here any more - my logic being if I can't appreciate my role in life as a mother fully then what good am I to them? - but this shouldn't be the case. I see a Care Coordinator who helps me with the 'mental' side of my problems, & occasionally go to baby groups (which help so far as they get me out of the house but do not offer me any real sanity of freedom), but is there any real practical support for women like me? Is there no recognition of the needs of working families, particularly so far as support for fathers who may wish or need to help out at home? If not, why not? I'm sure that I am not alone in thinking that if fathers were allowed to support their partners more, should they need to, then a lot of women's sanity & well-being could be saved, a lot of time could be saved by health professionals & even relationships could be saved.

What the hell can I do?

Groovy Mums

As you know, I take part in KateOnThinIce's Groovy Mums blog hop.

I haven't been too great recently & therefore not much of great meaning has appeared on my blog & I feel sad that I haven't been feeling up to getting groovy. This week is better & so I'll be telling you how I've been getting on with the challenges in just a second!

Firstly though, I just want to say that if you are a mum who has been considering Kate's challenge, or even if you haven't seen the blog hop before but think it might be for you then I would wholly encourage you to go & check it out, maybe try for a week or so. Follow Kate & the girls on Twitter if you fancy a bit of banter (search #groovymums). Everyone who takes part in this blog hop is exceptional. I've never met a nicer group of ladies (though technically I haven't met any of them, I'm sure there's a little irony in there) who are so giving & supporting. Without wishing to sound gushy, the support that these perfect strangers have offered me in the past month has helped immeasurably. There's a whole lotta love & wisdom going on there & though I am guilty of sometimes falling behind with the reading, whenever I do read what these ladies have to say I am never disappointed, in fact I am always filled with emotion by them.

Anyway, vomitousness over. This weeks challenges:


1. Body – How are you sleeping? How can you ensure you get better quality sleep?

I am sleeping terribly. I have had a week of anxiety & bedtime (as well as daytime) tears. I am slightly on the up now but I feel horrendous that most night I can't get to sleep until the wee hours & wake up so late. This isn't fair on my girls & I'm doing what I can, but mostly the anxiety & depression is winning. I hope this changes as I get more support. I bought some chamomile tea this week, but am yet to imbibe, I have also being trying (& mostly failing) to cut down on caffeine. Hopefully now that things are on the up & I should soon be getting some anti-depressants my stresses shan't be so prevalent.

2. Mind – Our children have reward charts and get stickers when they do well? Could you play with this idea and create your own chart or adapt a child’s one

Well, the girls do not have reward charts as it stands, but this has got me thinking that it could be a good idea for eldest (3yo) as she is getting to the stage where she needs a little more structure in her tasks for the day. As for me, my iPhone is my best friend. I have finally worked out how to create a to-do list on my reminders app & am slowly but surely getting there with what i must do, particularly on the better days.

3. Spirit – Is the spirit willing? You can respond to this one in whatever way you see fit.

My spirit sometimes ups & vanishes, but when it's here it's a bit wobbly. As I say, I have good days & bad days. I am looking forward to the weekend, as we are going out & leaving the girls with my parents. Hopefully the, er, spirits (of the alcoholic kind) will return & I shall be merry & dancing!

4. Blog – Have you attended a blogger event? Have you met any bloggers in the flesh? 

Though I haven't met any bloggers in the flesh yet I have booked my ticket for BlogCamp UK! Exciting! The Man, who has his own little blog here was also going to come with me, but he couldn't get a ticket, so I shall be going it alone! Nervous, but very excited for this! Is anyone else reading going??! Kate is also speaking at Brit Mums, I would love to go, but money is the issue with that one, but you never know, if I could blag something...

5. It is the creator of Winnie the Pooh’s birthday this week. So, as a bit of fun, why not work out which Winnie the Pooh character you are most like and why?

Well, A.A. Milne is one of my favourites. Winnie the Pooh books (the proper ones, none of this Disney shite) are my book of choice for reading to the girls & I try my hardest to persuade her that's what we should read! I'd say that a lot of days I feel as Eeyore does, lonely & lethargic but secretly knowing that I have these wonderful creatures who would do anything for me, though I've never lost my tail, or in fact had a tail to lose! Sometimes I feel tiny & worrisome like Piglet, though I think I would most like to be Kanga. A pouch for littlest would be helpful too!

6. The Big Question – How is your sex life? Oh, I know we are not supposed to talk about religion, sex and politics but you know me, I like breaking the rules. So how are things in the bedroom (or your venue of choice)?

Well, I've approached this issue with caution. Caution tells me to be frugal with my words.
Flinging caution to the wind, I would have to be entirely honest & say that sex seven weeks after giving birth is non-existent. For the moment anyway. In fact it has been pretty non-existent for months now & though this is most unlike me, I didn't really mind. Now that I am a little more back to normal let's just say that, looking back, it seems there has been a direct correlation between my low moods & the low amount of bedroom action (which affects which is anyone's guess, however the only way to find this out is to experiment). I plan on being ecstatic in the near future.

A Woman's Right To Feed Her Child

So, I'm sat at home, dressed, showered, fed etc. generally ready to go out of the house yet I can't actually bring myself to leave. I feel overwhelmingly anxious & panicky & have done since this morning. All I need to do is go out & get some buttons yet it seems like an impossibility.

I haven't really left the house alone in quite some time, though I haven't expressly thought that I couldn't or didn't want to but I suppose that there must have been some part of me that ws stopping me because usually I'd be out of the house in a flash rather than sat around doing nothing.

I think that there are a lot of contributing factors. Firstly, I have very, very little money & spending any unnecessarily would be careless, so the thought of buses & maybe a coffee at a cafe if the baby becomes hungry is not really what I want to be spending my pennies on. Secondly, there is the thought of getting all the stuff together for the baby etc. is a bit daunting, though I have never found it to be so in the past. Thirdly, navigating a gigantic tank of a pram around shops which contain aisles that are smaller than said pram is just draining. There are all these things which I face every day I go out but then there was what happened this morning too.

I was on Twitter, as usual, & saw a news story about a woman from Scarborough who had been thrown out of a cafe for breastfeeding her four week old baby because of a complaint from another customer. This, frankly, outraged me & I soon got looking into women's right etc. & basically got on my high horse. I then decided to tune into BBC Radio York on which they were discussing this issue & I was astonished by the amount of people (mainly women too) who were against women breastfeeding in public, calling it things like "unsavoury" & saying that there is no need for women to "flaunt" their breasts in public in this day & age when it is "unnecessary" to feed a baby "that way". My view on public breastfeeding is that it is a woman's right to do so, plain & simple. Breasts have been sexualised in our society & that is wrong, or at least we should be equally aware of their real & fantastic purpose which is as a means to feed our children. They are essential for new life & if anyone should have a problem with a woman breastfeeding discretely then they seriously need to reconsider their mindset. But try as I might I couldn't quite shake the voices of these women, especially as there seemed to be quite a lot of them. I imagined myself sat in a cafe & I thought about how many of the other customers may disapprove of me feeding  my baby in the most natural &  healthy way possible & it upset me. A lot. It upset me so much that I am now feeling reluctant to go out unless it is absolutely necessary & I'm anxious about staying out too long in case the baby does need feeding.

This is utterly disgusting that I should be made to feel this way & ridiculous on my part for thinking that these people's opinions should matter, but currently, due to all the other factors causing my anxiety, I am not strong enough to walk out proud & be the kind of woman I would like to be.

On Judgement & Actually Losing My Mind

Today has been a bad day. A very bad day.

I feel okay now. I don't understand it, really. I've been flat for days & I suppose I knew it was coming but also hoping it might not. I just didn't know it'd be so bad. I'm making it sound melodramatic & dicky & I haven't any right to be a melodramatic dick. It was just all shit, & mostly I feel as though I deserve to feel this way, but whether that's true or not I don't want to.

As I say, I've felt numb & fairly irritable for a few days which is usually a sign that things are going to come to a head. It started, I think, from something so pointless & stupid that I feel petty even writing it. The Man's friend text him asking him what we were up to tomorrow. We hadn't anything planned so I thought it'd be nice to have people over. A little while later the Man said to me "He's just suggested he come over, but his OH wants to come too so he thought that we could go to the local while you keep the kids entertained."

To be honest, I think it was just badly phrased but I was pretty damn offended by the assumption that I'd be happy to sit at home with the kids (like every other day) with someone who, admittedly is lovely & I'd like to get to know better, but at the moment I hardly know. In fact I don't think it was even that part, it was just the assumption. So I expressed my mild offence taken at this suggestion & voiced my need for a pint, but there wasn't any real reason for me to object. That was that & later the Man went to work & I got on. I realised that I was still thinking about this a few hours later & so I decided to have a shower.

So I'm in the shower & I'm thinking about the assumption more & more & I'm pretty angry by this point, but I can't really understand why.

"He needs his man time" I tell myself, & I agree.

"Just because you haven't been able to go for a pint yet there's no reason to feel annoyed at him" I say, & I agree.

"He'd do the same for you" I convince myself. I know, but I think I'd ask rather than assume. Wouldn't I? I don't know.

"It's not him that's the problem here is it?" No, I don't think it is.

"Why haven't you been out?" I don't know. I'm breast feeding, my friends haven't been free, I'm reluctant to leave the baby...

"Really?" I don't know.

By this point, though I've tried to rationalise the situation I am still pretty pissed off - in fact probably more pissed off because logic isn't helping my case - but none of the anger or upset I'm feeling has any reason or direction. Am I angry at myself? Am I jealous that I can't just go out at the drop of a hat? I'm sobbing, I'm bawling, & why? I have no idea but I can't stop it. I feel as though I am imploding & there is nothing I can do about it. Usually the four walls of the shower cubicle shut the rest of the world out for me & I can relax but today they have me trapped & now I'm crouching on the floor gagging because I'm sobbing so hard. What the fuck is wrong with me? I think I am actually losing my mind. This is pathetic. I am pathetic.

"Just look at what you have" Yes, exactly. Everything I don't deserve.

I can't stop my tears & I am crying out loudly now. With each heave of my arched back & each sob I try to compose myself but I still can't. My head hurts now, but apart from that there is just blankness & numbness. I feel as though I'm a record that's got stuck. This is supposed to be the part where the sobbing stops & I calm down & then everything looks a bit brighter but it's not happening, just stuck, sob after sob after sob. I don't know what else I can do but scream & so in frustration I hit the tiled wall of the shower with my fist & it hurts a lot. But it feels like a release. I am not stupid & I do not do it again because I know if I start I won't stop. I've only ever felt like this once before, briefly, when I was about 18 or 19 & now I am becoming scared.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I am actually losing my mind. I step out of the shower & continue to sob loudly until Eldest comes into the room. She asks what I'm laughing at. I face the mirror & tell her it's nothing & she goes again. I try plucking my eyebrows as a distraction but I am repulsed by my own hideous, tear-strewn reflection & so I go to get dressed, still crying like a baby. Eldest comes in & she is beautiful in her vile top & pretty skirt - a combination she chose herself - & now she has realised that I'm crying, not laughing. She asks whether I am ill, or just sad. I tell her it's okay & she then says that I'm not to worry because she will cheer me up. She is bouncing on the bed with her arms wide open, smiling at me. I sit next to her & sit her on my knee & tell her how wonderful she is. She knows. I don't deserve such an amazing daughter, but I am thankful every day that I have her.

I know that I need to write, because it's a good therapy. I know that my laptop will get very wet in the process. I think about what I will say & I know that none of it makes any sense whatsoever. Then I start to imagine what a nut-job I must sound. I imagine the Man, whom I do not deserve one little bit, down the pub or wherever, with his friends who might have stumbled upon my post. I imagine what they would think. Or at least, what I think they would think.

"Proper looper mate, I'd stay well clear if I were you. You could do better."

I think that maybe they wouldn't say that. After all, I don't know them & the lesson of the day is not to assume, right? I know it's just me putting my own feelings about myself into someone elses mouth, but if I think it, then others are bound to, right? Just in case they did think that perhaps I shouldn't write about this. It is pretty mental after all. I cry for no reason & then I feel good about hurting myself. Maybe I should just call someone who can come & hold me, because that's all I really want. It's the second best therapy. Then no one else will have to know. But who? I am stood thinking about who might come all this way just to hug me because I'm too scared to write & then it hits me - when I'm well, I spend all my time insisting that people should open up; that the best therapy is talking; that others should not judge & though it is the reality that they do judge we should have no shame whatsoever in admitting how we feel & how this illness affects us yet still I am terrified of being judged. Terrified.

I am a massive hypocrite.

There is a long list of shit stuff that I believe I am. I am not prepared to add 'Hypocrite' to that. There isn't the room.

So, I sit & I write.

Fuck every single one of you that judges me, the joke is on you, because aside from when I'm being a proper looper, I am the most normal person I know. It takes knowing madness to enjoy sanity.

Grooving Mums & World Domination

As you may know by now, I try to take part in the #groovingmums blog-hop on a weekly basis. Since November I have been flagging a bit, but I have the pretty solid excuse of having given birth & then with the festive season straight after all has been a little bit hectic & I have been having a bit of a break from blogging in general.

Now, with a fresh new year, the schedule is cleared & I'm embracing normality & hoping to build a positive routine, as much for the children as for myself. 

Back to the Grooving Mums bit. Kate over at Kate on Thin Ice hosts this fabulous blog-hop & you can read all about this here. You may even want to get involved. I've found the ladies to be an amazing source of support & inspiration, particularly on the gloomy days. Each week Kate sets us some optional challenges. This week these are:-

1. Did you over-indulge over the festive season? What can you do to prepare for the life-changing journey ahead in terms of improving your health? 

2. What do you need to change your mind about? Have you written yourself off in some way? How can you shift negative thinking patterns?

3. This week, Christians celebrate the Epiphany. Here is one dictionary definition for the word epiphany "a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience." What does this mean to you?

4. Are you aware of all the blogging networks you can get involved with? Is it worth you checking them out and promoting your efforts to sparkle to a wider audience?

Firstly, I did over-indulge this festive season. It was briliant! I have no regrets. I'm not particularly concerned about my figure as I am blessed (so far in my life) with a pretty good metabolism (smug), though I always notice that it does affect my skin. I get terrible oily & spotty skin when I partake in too much sugar. I've had many a night out whereby I wake the next morning not only to a stonking hangover but also to a face full of yuck (not in a rude way or anything. Or at least not always! Ahem...) & Christmas has certainly left my skin a little bit angry, so I shall be getting some yummy vegetables down me in order to appease it. As well as this I shall be taking up running again, so long as my Doctor okays it, again not so much for my figure but for my skin & more importantly my mind. I always feel so much more stable when I take regular exercise.

Secondly, if there is one thing I am bloody good at it is negative thinking - damn you irony! - but I am on the road to changing that. I think that I have got better in the past month or so but I'm hoping for a good round of CBT to combat any negatve thinking patterns that might crop up in future.

Thirdly, 'Epiphany' to me is not particularly something spiritual. I am an atheist with a love for logic & so epiphany in my mind is those spectacular moments of crystal clarity, whereby everything swirling around in the massive fog of my brain settle in a pattern that makes perfect sense & everything finally feels calm. This is usually, for me, relating to my emotions. The human mind is so complex, I find it is often so difficult to understand even your own thoughts & so when everything is alligned, for me that is a very precious experience.

Finally, with regards to my blog, I am generally useless at organising promotion. I tend to have about one day a month where I feel a frenzied urge to branch out & to discover new ways to find forums & networks. This is fine for me & so for now I am quite happy with all you lovely readers who have given me such lovely comments & offered your support, (& for that I thank you very much.) & to let my blog grow organically. In summary, I am a little too lazy to consider world domination just yet!

Here's hoping for a Grooving 2012! & maybe a tiny bit of world domination - or maybe not!

Damn Sentimental Me.

Happy New Year one & all! Has 2012 been off to a good start for you this year? Or perhaps you are nonplussed - do you celebrate an alternative New Year? I'd love to hear.

For me, I don't find that I become overly reflective with the passing of a year but I always note how much has changed. This year, like many others has been a jam-packed one for me. It seems that I'm destined to live my life in the fast lane, as it were. So much happens from year to year I can hardly keep up.

I saw in 2011 in the company of some wonderful friends. I was single & surrounded by couples. I was pretty drunk & had a lot of fun dancing like an idiot on the 'slippy floor' of my favourite friend's dining room.

This year I was in the company of a wonderful friend, my other half & some of his lovely friends. I obviously am very un-single now, & furthermore, we have a gorgeous new addition to our family. We were all pretty sober & spent the evening eating crisps & chocolate in our living room.

I'm not one for resolutions - as I've mentioned in previous posts I'm bloody useless at keeping them - but I think that the beginning of a year offers the chance to plan ahead. This year I am looking forward to spending time with the children: watching them grow; enjoying our time (in between tellings-off & naughty-step placement) & most of all just being Mummy.

An important journey that I embarked upon last year & shall be continuing on this year is one regarding my mental health. I've been suffering from anxiety & the subsequent depression which has been ruling my life for the past year or so. It was only about half way through that I realised that it was a real problem. I thought for years that this feeling was just me being a fuck-up, not being able to be like other people. I just thought it was how I was, it never occurred to me that there may be help - a solution.

Since opening up, I've found that actually & quite sadly this is a common problem. A lot of people suffer & what is more, many suffer in silence. Like me, they think that is something they are just doing wrong or believe that there is shame to admit they feel so. When I decided it was time to start talking, as the depression was starting to rule my life, I initially did so to my partner & then explored some unofficial internet support groups, mainly on the website I sell crafts on. It took me a while to be able to open up to close friends & though I blog fairly openly about it I still haven't expressly told any of my wider circle of peers what I'm dealing with. This is mainly because it is not relevant, but is also due in part to fear of being judged. That is going to change. If relevant, then I shan't have any concerns about mentioning it in future, but the part I have struggled with the most is the scariest part of depression, which has only reared its head this year - at some extreme low points I have wondered what, exactly, is the point of pathetic me being here. That is to say I have felt suicidal. It sounds melodramatic & wholly ridiculous but it is damn scary. Thankfully, it is not something that I've felt since the birth of my second little girl & it is not something I ever want to feel again.

I was surprised to find that some too of my close friends have been struggling with such issues too, some for years. Like me, they hadn't really opened up but eventually I think we all just reached breaking point. We have always been close but much more so recently & though I would wish for no one to feel what I have been feeling, I have taken immense comfort in having somebody understanding to talk to & being able to support others when they're having a bad day & often when I feel I have been there for someone it makes me feel as though my life is not completely pointless. I love my friends, of course I always have, but this year all of them have been there for me when I really needed it & I couldn't have made it through without them. I am very lucky (& now I'm shedding a bit of a tear. Damn, sentimental me!).

With this in mind I have been wondering lately why there is no obvious support group for people tackling mental illness. I know that this is partly due to the stigma attached to all things brain-related & though there are some amazing people trying to wrestle this stereotype into submission it is still something that people feel uncomfortable with voicing & hearing. I feel that there needs to be something out there, with a big neon sign saying "Feeling mental? Come join the club - it's normal!".

People should have the right to voice their own feelings (should they choose to) without feeling labelled or diminished. They should also have the right to access support easily even out of 'office hours'.

So this year, in light of all I've said, I want to help myself & others. In fact I think that by helping others I probably would help myself too. All the bullshit around mental illness needs to be labelled as exactly that & I want to play a part in that.

Watch this space.

If you have any ideas, input, opinions, thoughts then please, please, get in touch. I would love to hear from anyone who has suggestions or experience in this field & details of how I can play a part in this, big or small.

You can email me at chloe.skinner@hotmail.co.uk
or find me on Twitter at @PeaGreenGwin
or even on Facebook by searching for Our Pea Green Pod

Wishing you all the best for 2012, I look forward to whatever this journey brings.

PS.

This year, I'd like to take part in the 366 day challenge, whereby you post a photo every day.

Don't ask me how I'm going to manage this, I'm flaky at the best of times, but it definitely sounds fun!

Today is just wanted to share with you some sumptuous roses which are sat on my desk. They were brought to me by a lovely, lovely lady. This is what makes friends so special - she is the best!

Grooving Mums & the Week of No Blogging

For the past week I have been attempting to write a post, using pictures from the past five years of my life to illustrate what visible changes have taken place in me & how that corresponds to where I have been in my life, womanhood. motherhood & the rest. I have actually found it much more difficult than I expected. I spent yesterday evening trying to organise all the pictures I wanted to use & after faffing around for an hour I was drained by it all. Not just by the technical computery crap, but by looking at all these snapshots of the varying lives I've had - it feels as though I've been a million different people, but only a handful of these people I've liked & I certainly aren't any of these likable characters at the moment.

When I saw the MH woman, one of the questions she asked me was 'What do you like about yourself?'. This took me by surprise & honestly, quite honestly, I could not think of one single thing. I thought for a  long time, 'Umm & ahh..' & yet I couldn't. I laughed a little & I cried a little. This has stuck with me, & so I think that one of my #groovingmums goals should be to change this. I am not sure how, but it must change.

I think I am in need of a re-cap of the week, in relation to my goals & aims. I have had a strange week of no blogging, being fairly busy with other projects in between the overwhelming tiredness I've felt of late. I have struggled this week with my emotions, too, so I think that has been detrimental to my energy levels. After visiting parents & family & being told that I looked pale & thin I have had a bit of a reality check & tried to eat much more than I usually would. I have basically used this as an excuse to indulge - Bailey's Ice Cream, biscuits, lots of milk & dairy - but I have been struggling to feel as though I'm getting enough protein, so this is possibly what I need to consider further this week. This week I also did a craft fair with my Mum. It was lovely & even though I was feeling pretty shit I really enjoyed it, it reminded me of being a little girl as I spent many weekends at craft fairs with my Granny & Mum. They always have a similar atmosphere, right down to the smell of the place & the buzz of people.

This week Kate set us a few mini tasks. The first was to have a think about ground rules to establish for the Grooving Mums blog hop. Hands up, I totally failed on this front. A good start.

Secondly, she asked us to 'embrace the spirit', whether this be in a religious or meditative way, or however else we should choose to interpret this. Not being religious, & thinking of myself as a fairly rational person, with a love of science & fact this is something that I would interpret in a different way. This is not to say that I don't feel spiritual at times, I think that the mind is an amazingly complex thing, & the range of emotions it is capable of experiencing at once is, well, mind blowing. The things that make me float are often sensory things: tastes, sounds, sights - roughly translating as good food, music & art. This week it was music. I have not felt this way in a long time & you can read about it here.

Third came the task of 'Body Fun' - doing something you wouldn't usually do, such as painting your toenails, having a facial... whatever it is, so long as it makes you feel good. I have to admit that in order to save my skin, which can get very blotchy & spotty, I don't often wear make-up unless I am leaving the house so I didn't break this routine this week, but I have had a hair-cut & feel so much better for it & I'm enjoying experimenting with different styles, as it's been a long time since I had hair this short. As for painting my toenails, I cannot reach them, though I would very much like to!

All in all, it's been a strange week, good & bad, but it's my last few weeks of being pregnant & I am feeling much less guilty for having not done all that much. In fact, to say I was 38 weeks pregnant I actually feel as though I have done quite a lot.

Also, I am away to Manchester this evening to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers (praying that the baby doesn't decide to come any time before 11pm this evening) & I am girlishly excited! I'm certainly going to be grooving.

3pm Disappointment

It's 3.52pm & I was due to have an appointment with a member of the Rural Community Mental Health Team at 3.00pm today. Originally, my appointment with her was supposed to be on the first of the month., but she had to cancel due to 'having to take some annual leave'.

Though I was disappointed when my first appointment was cancelled, obviously these things happen, people have lives other than their work & I'm sure she was not without good reason to do so.

Since 2.45pm I've been watching every car that goes past the bay window. I hate waiting for people, & always feel anxious & agitated when I'm doing so. I have put out the washing, put in some more washing, tidied away some felts I'll need in an hour & generally fiddled about with all the things I'm usually too lazy to do in an attempt to distract myself but I can feel, even now I've become very nervous & teary.

This morning I felt awful again. Any good mood I'd felt in the past week has subsided & I'm in the sobbing phase again. I was half dreading but half looking forward to seeing this woman. I felt I needed it, even if I didn't much want it (my last appointment having been a little disappointing - read about it here). Now, an hour after she was due I feel foolish & let down. Why haven't I heard from her? Does my mental health not matter?

We were supposed to be making a crisis plan. To be honest I don't actually know what this entails but I imagine it to be clarifying steps to take should I feel horrendous & fancy topping myself or similar once the baby arrives. Obviously this was to be put into place before the baby's arrival & yet I am due in 12 days. What happens if I go into labour now or this week? The way I'm feeling at this moment in time I can barely bring myself to look in the mirror, let alone watch my child come into the world to a mother who is, let's face it, fairly useless at the moment.

It has been so difficult & frankly scary admitting to myself & the people I love that this isn't going to go away & that at times I can't cope; admitting that I am not normal, as much as I feel it sometimes & realising that no matter what I do, the cocoon of sadness & the sense of claustraphobia that comes with it will always return & admitting that I can't be the mum to my children that I always thought I would be. But I have done that & I've asked for help. I know myself well enough to realise that I need support & yet I feel as though I am not getting it. I'm not stupid - I may have made some bad decisions in my life, I may have been careless but I am intelligent enough to see things must change, yet all I feel has happened so far is that I have not been taken seriously or I have been patronised.

A very charming consultant we saw a few weeks ago was kind enough to make me feel like a child, talking to my partner as though I wasn't in the room & then giving me a withering telling off for having not seen my midwife enough, even though I have seen her as she has requested. & you know what - I just take it. I haven't the energy to make myself heard & that is the worst part of it. I'm ashamed of myself but what more can I do? I'm tired. & what about all those other people out there who aren't being heard? The ones who don't have the support of a wonderful partner or children who have to be their point of focus - what do they do when they don't get heard? How many slip through the net?

The system is failing. It is not acceptable - but who has the energy to fight?

It's 4.29pm now & I'm still watching the cars go by. I don't think she's coming.

Lists are seriously frustrating to format.

I officially declare myself a Grooving Mum.

I know I’ve all ready written an intro but this post will be my list of goals (please note – list likely to be changed, removed, revised or set on fire at any time) that I’d like to achieve within the next 12 months or so.

Because I am currently 37+ weeks pregnant, I have decided that the most sensible thing to do is to set myself some short term aims – i.e. little things to do or change before the baby or when the baby first arrives – as well as a few bigger ambitions, & things about myself that I know will take longer to change.

I shall get straight to the point, as I have had a rather rough day – to my dismay after almost an entire week of feeling well – and I’d like to post about the Halloween activities Daughter & I got up to in the last few days when I’m in a better frame of mind!

So, here goes…

Short Term Goals:

1. Ensure that I have a safety-net should I end up suffering from PND when the baby arrives by:
   
   • Making a crisis plan, as suggested by Community MH Worker.
   • Ensuring I am as honest as I possibly can with my Man & my family if needs be – this is something I have struggled with recently & am still reluctant through fear of burdening others unnecessarily.
   • Taking steps to be healthy – eat well & keep my mind active so as to get into a better routine with a view to keeping this up once the baby arrives.
2. Sort out my ridiculously out of control finances in order to create stability for me & for my family – I dislike talking to people over the phone & therefore must man-up a bit & take charge of the situation instead of becoming a nervous wreck & avoiding these things.
3. Enjoy the final few weeks of my pregnancy, without feeling any guilt for outing my feet up & having things done for me.
4. Do more things I enjoy & stop worrying about others – take pleasure in making for Christmas, & share my achievements.
5. More face masks & chocolate.

Long Term Goals (Post-Baby & New Year):

1. Take care of my body – start running again, then possibly swimming when the hotter weather comes. Lovely endorphins, yes please!
2. Keeping up with the healthy eating routine that I will hopefully have established pre-baby. Not weighing myself but ensure I’m not too skinny for my clothes & feel well in myself.
3. Settle Daughter into a new nursery & set up a good routine for her, baby & myself.
4. Take time & research the possible careers I could have when the baby gets to nursery age. Work towards achieving something that will empower me, as well as fit around family commitments.
5. Hone my writing skills, so that all my blog-posts aren’t quite as dreary as this one seems so far! Seriously – take time to educate myself in writing & possibly other things that interest me. Get the cogs turning again.
   
   
   So, these are my goals thus far. As I say, I may revise them or (more likely) set fire to them. Currently my main focus is being well in every sense when the baby turns up. I’m truly terrified again this week. I can’t see many ways that I’ll keep sane, particularly after the New Year, but making this list today has certainly helped me. I’ve got good feeling about my Grooving Mums adventure & I certainly hope that I don’t bore you all to death in the weeks to come. I’m also totally looking forward to keeping up with everyone’s stories too.
   
   Ooh & I almost forgot - as requested by Kate this week I am including a pic of my in my Halloween glory, from this weekend. Looking totally un-pregnant (but trust me - it's all there) & I was actually feeling bloody brilliant too, though I am mostly always self-conscious of photos, hence the expression:
   
   

   
   
   
   Wish me luck!

Grooving Mums

So, I have a had a very up & down week this week. As I've mentioned, it really scares me just how up & down I can be. Some mornings I can wake up numb & end up having a wonderful day, other days I could wake up with a positive outlook only to bomb out spectacularly in a wave of tears or anxiety.

I need to get this under control.

I've never really been a stable person anyway, but I have always managed to muddle by one way or another.

Today & yesterday have been unexpectedly good days. I feel cured. I can barely remember why on earth I have felt so miserable recently & find myself wondering what all the fuss was about. There is nothing wrong with me. Unfortunately, I know that this isn't true & I know from recent experience that this feeling probably won't last forever (but I would not complain if it should) & so I have to make the most of this mindset while it lasts.

I am currently on the brink of changing things. After seeing my GP a few weeks ago I have had an initial appointment with a member of my local Community MH Team. I had very mixed feelings about the appointment. She asked me lots of standard questions as we went through a questionnaire & while I initially felt it was comprehensive & positive I soon began to stumble over my replies & didn't feel that I adequately expressed myself to her & by the end of the session I felt as though I had not given her a realistic view of myself. I write it better than I say it. Always have, probably always will. In the hours & days that followed I kept remembering things I had missed out or realising I had said things that could easily have been misconstrued.

She had said that she would go away & write up a report which she would share with some sort of team (by this time I wasn't really taking much in - my concentration is shot at the best of times) but she did say that she would arrange for me to see a consultant as she felt that I wasn't entirely convinced on her initial verdict of low moods caused by anxiety. She was right, I feel that the anxiety is only present occassionally due to my actions or inactions brought on by low mood. I feel crap first & then I do nothing & worry about having done nothing.

Anyway, the point of me telling you all this is my discovery of a blog-hop called Grooving Mums via the wonderful platform that is Twitter (I am now addicted & spend far too much time tweeting crap).

Basically, this is a group of blogging mums who feel they would like to change something about themselves, big or small & their accounts of how they are doing this. Kate [on Thin Ice] explains it all here.

So, over the next few days I am going to think of five attainable goals for myself (I have accepted - sort of - that I am not, nor am I ever going to be a Super-Mum) & try to keep weekly updates for you all to read how I am doing.

I'm terrified of bombing out on this - I have a history of being useless - but I have all ready heard from some lovely, lovely Grooving Mums which has been inspiring & heartwarming.

Here's to getting my groove back.

On Mammaries & Memories of Who I Am

I’m sat in the middle of the floor of my baby’s nursery as I write this. Behind me is the bed of the crib that was once mine, then my daughter’s & is now theirs. To my left are the legs of the crib, half painted & still wet. In front  of me is a brand new wooden high chair which currently seats Daughter’s dolly (adorned in oversized swimsuit, previously belonging to Daughter herself), some Johnson’s Baby Lotion which I shall never use as I prefer organic & ethical products & a hand-me-down plastic baby toy in suitably garish colours. Also in the room is a large cot, again, once belonging to Daughter; a beautiful new moses basket (my proudest & most unnecessary purchase); a new chest of drawers, too small to actually hold all the clothes & bibs we seem to have acquired; an electric breast pump; various baby bottles; a steam steriliser & all that other paraphernalia associated with a new baby.

I often come in & sit in this space, to try & familiarise myself with the room or just basically in an attempt to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be a mother - again.

There will be a new baby in here in less than five weeks.

I can say this over & over but still it has not sunk in.

Earlier I took my shiny electric breast pump out of its box, read the instructions, dismantled & reconstructed it & stared at it for a while. Last time I had a manual one which was such a pain in the arse that I promised myself an electric one this time around – a lady of leisure with all my fancy baby gadgets & all that jazz. As I dismantled the pump again I felt a pang of excitement which was immediately followed by a wave puzzlement. 

When on earth did I go from being a [not so] cool, wild party girl who got rared up by a free shot of Sambuca from the handsome gentleman at the cheap bar, followed by a dance with the cheap gentleman from the handsome bar – or was it the other way around? That Sambuca had gone to my head – to being thrilled at the prospect of not having to manually extract the milk from my mammaries? Thrilled is perhaps too strong a word, but you see my point nevertheless?

If you have read any of my previous posts you will realise that I haven’t been coping with this pregnancy well & that I am finding it hard to be thrilled by anything at the moment, but I do feel happy that I am not completely detached & I am beginning to realise that maybe doing what makes it easier for me & by buying all this fancy but slightly unnecessary stuff will actually help me to cope better when the baby is here. I also think that it is going to be about finding a balance between the partying & the pumping.

I don’t want to lose sight of who I am, or who I can be. 

At the moment I am far too round to dance for more than 10 minutes without having to stagger to the nearest seating area & have a bit of a rest but that’s just pregnancy & I must accept this. It’s not going to last forever. In fact it’s going to last for five more weeks, maximum. I am 22. I am not past it by any means, I started young & therefore I have a head start in that I have the whole of my life to achieve the things I didn’t achieve when I was 18 & pregnant. I may spend my nights wakeful or sobbing & I may feel as though I have failed because I didn’t live my life in the order that my friends & peers lived theirs but I still have time. Sometimes I find it very difficult to remember this. Sometimes my insecurities bog me down & I do stupid things & think stupid thoughts & become so absorbed in myself or in my own sadness that I forget.

Pregnancy is not forever & hopefully shall be without stretch marks.

My life after pregnancy will be just as it was before – juggling motherhood, my mammaries & responsibilities with a career (we hope), sexy shoes & a lot of dancing (though possibly not with strange men).

I could do it before, even when I was a single mum, so surely even though I have an extra sprog the presence of a man evens that out?

It’ll all be okay – I just have to remind myself of that sometimes.

Why can't I?

Here I go...

This morning I decorated gingerbread men with Daughter.

Monumental achievement? It felt like it.

My moods have been erratic lately. 

After last week being busy & my mind being fairly distracted, I shuddered to a halt on Saturday evening.

Saturday had been spent visiting my mum. We had plans to go out but comfortably abandoned such plans while feeling cosy at home. I was content to sit & let Daughter play while everyone else looked out for her. I was utterly relaxed on the large leather sofa, with the log fire roaring.

When I returned home I felt fine. A little more nonplussed than earlier. Was it the beginning of numbness? I wasn’t sure.

I crashed out on the sofa, I was tired, & sure enough the numbness crept over me like a familiar old blanket. Oh no. I was quiet & subdued all evening until it came to bedtime. Bedtime is usually the clincher. I sat on the edge of the bed & as my lovely, unsuspecting man brushed his teeth I started to cry & sob. I didn’t want to feel like this. It seemed as though this was happening more unpredictably than before & I couldn’t cope with it. I didn’t want to feel like this, I didn’t want it carry on & at the same time I didn’t feel as though I could carry on. It was too much.

Why does this keep happening? How can I feel so okay one moment then completely encased by sadness the next? 

Sunday was numb. Today is numb. I’m not good & I’m not bad. I’m just thinking. I’m certainly not doing. I never do anything when I feel this way & that’s part of the problem. I feel sad; I have no motivation; I do nothing; I feel worthless; I feel sadder. Then I cause problems for myself – not paying bills, not completing projects – & that adds anxiety to the mix.

Yes, the answer is glaringly obvious. Do something you lazy twat. It’s more than that. I’m not sure how to explain further, except that it’s like a constant block: a constant voice in the back of my mind that reminds me of just how much of a failure I am – just how worthless I am. I can tell myself I’m not, others can tell me the same, I believe them sometimes, it sounds rational but it doesn’t make it go away.

I need help. I’ve asked for it, though I haven’t been entirely honest  about how I feel with anyone I’ve encountered – not professionals nor with my loved ones. I know that I must but I don’t want to make a fuss – I’m not worth a fuss. I am pathetic & I should be able to deal with this myself. Everyone else does. Everyone else copes with life. Why can’t I?