Tuesday, 25 October 2011

On Mammaries & Memories of Who I Am

I’m sat in the middle of the floor of my baby’s nursery as I write this. Behind me is the bed of the crib that was once mine, then my daughter’s & is now theirs. To my left are the legs of the crib, half painted & still wet. In front  of me is a brand new wooden high chair which currently seats Daughter’s dolly (adorned in oversized swimsuit, previously belonging to Daughter herself), some Johnson’s Baby Lotion which I shall never use as I prefer organic & ethical products & a hand-me-down plastic baby toy in suitably garish colours. Also in the room is a large cot, again, once belonging to Daughter; a beautiful new moses basket (my proudest & most unnecessary purchase); a new chest of drawers, too small to actually hold all the clothes & bibs we seem to have acquired; an electric breast pump; various baby bottles; a steam steriliser & all that other paraphernalia associated with a new baby.

I often come in & sit in this space, to try & familiarise myself with the room or just basically in an attempt to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be a mother - again.

There will be a new baby in here in less than five weeks.

I can say this over & over but still it has not sunk in.

Earlier I took my shiny electric breast pump out of its box, read the instructions, dismantled & reconstructed it & stared at it for a while. Last time I had a manual one which was such a pain in the arse that I promised myself an electric one this time around – a lady of leisure with all my fancy baby gadgets & all that jazz. As I dismantled the pump again I felt a pang of excitement which was immediately followed by a wave puzzlement. 

When on earth did I go from being a [not so] cool, wild party girl who got rared up by a free shot of Sambuca from the handsome gentleman at the cheap bar, followed by a dance with the cheap gentleman from the handsome bar – or was it the other way around? That Sambuca had gone to my head – to being thrilled at the prospect of not having to manually extract the milk from my mammaries? Thrilled is perhaps too strong a word, but you see my point nevertheless?

If you have read any of my previous posts you will realise that I haven’t been coping with this pregnancy well & that I am finding it hard to be thrilled by anything at the moment, but I do feel happy that I am not completely detached & I am beginning to realise that maybe doing what makes it easier for me & by buying all this fancy but slightly unnecessary stuff will actually help me to cope better when the baby is here. I also think that it is going to be about finding a balance between the partying & the pumping.

I don’t want to lose sight of who I am, or who I can be. 

At the moment I am far too round to dance for more than 10 minutes without having to stagger to the nearest seating area & have a bit of a rest but that’s just pregnancy & I must accept this. It’s not going to last forever. In fact it’s going to last for five more weeks, maximum. I am 22. I am not past it by any means, I started young & therefore I have a head start in that I have the whole of my life to achieve the things I didn’t achieve when I was 18 & pregnant. I may spend my nights wakeful or sobbing & I may feel as though I have failed because I didn’t live my life in the order that my friends & peers lived theirs but I still have time. Sometimes I find it very difficult to remember this. Sometimes my insecurities bog me down & I do stupid things & think stupid thoughts & become so absorbed in myself or in my own sadness that I forget.

Pregnancy is not forever & hopefully shall be without stretch marks.

My life after pregnancy will be just as it was before – juggling motherhood, my mammaries & responsibilities with a career (we hope), sexy shoes & a lot of dancing (though possibly not with strange men).
I could do it before, even when I was a single mum, so surely even though I have an extra sprog the presence of a man evens that out?

It’ll all be okay – I just have to remind myself of that sometimes.


  1. Saying hi and that I am looking forward to getting to know you better via your blog. Sometimes even know, it shocks me that I am a mum and supposedly responsible (if only they knew lol!) and your feelings will ring a bell with many mums. You want to be you, that is half the battle to being back in those dancing shoes and perhaps sooner than you think. All the very best with baby and you.

  2. Hi, I was a first time mum at 20 and certainly bought what I needed to make life easier, although a single mum, I got most of my stuff as hand me downs and boot sales, I'm now 40 with 3 kids aged 19, 16 & 12 and don't regret for one minute having my kids young. I can go away over night, I can stay out late as they can cook their own tea, we go to the gym together, food shopping, I'm still in charge of discipline (just) and we have a great time.
    Wishing you love and luck with the pregnancy.

  3. What a great post. I was a young mum. I fell pregnant at 21. It is only just sinking in now that I'm a mum of 2! In a way, I'm glad I had children young. I think of my friends who will all have to interrupt their careers, should they choose to have children,whereas my thirties will be a chance to discover me again and pursue my career dreams.

  4. I remember feeling rather similar when pregnant - a bit detached from the whole thing.

    To be honest, that feeling lingered until I got my little boy home!

    I reckon the fact that you're getting excited about baby things is an excellent sign that all is well and you will be just great come the day.

    Good luck!

  5. Wow, thank you all for your comments!

    Kate - thank you for spreading the word. I think whatever age we are we are a woman as well as a mother & these can be very different people!

    Chickenruby - it's good to know there is life after motherhood! I often forget that I coped with my Daughter & I am capable of coping with another too. I definitely look forward to showing up my children on their 18th birthdays by being *that* mum!

    Mishmashmum - I am also grateful for this too. I desperately want a career & I often feel as though I've missed out but I remind myself that by the time I've had my children & they're in school I'll be just the right age to focus with no interruptions!

    Mammasaver - I think every pregnancy is different for every single woman. My first I was so excited (or naive) & now this detachment I feel has come as a shock. There are many factors to it but like I say every pregnancy is different & you telling me about your experience makes me feel happier that just because it's like this during the pregnancy it doesn't mean the feeling won't subside :) thank you!

    Thank you all & I can't wait to check out your blogs too :)


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