Monday, 27 February 2012

The Battle

I know how stupid I sound. In fact, I know how ridiculous all this really is - the tense feeling in my chest, the writhing in my stomach & the hot surges of adrenaline that burst through me for the smallest of reasons. I know that this is all caused by some malfunction, some imbalance in my brain. It's just that I'm going a bit wrong & I know that it can be fixed. I know all this & yet, just knowing is not enough to make it stop.

I want to finish this & I want to finish it now.

For a change, my moods have been good & I've felt as though the suffocating presence of the beast that is my depression has lifted somewhat. The beast has retreated for a while. I can breathe now, but I cannot relax. The anxiety makes me feel sick, so sick that I find it difficult to eat, that is when I remember to. I am excruciatingly aware of the fact that I must eat for it to abate & I am feeling stronger - my fight is back - yet the beast has changed. It can't hold me in it's grasp & smother me at the moment & so it is trying to trip me instead.

Sometimes I feel as though I am battling so hard & so well that I am on the edge of victory, but never have a been able to end the fight & most of times I don't believe I ever will. I think this could be something that I will have to do for the rest of my life. I can only hope that the beast will tire & some of the time I will get to rest. I will get to breathe; smile; be.

As I write, there is a wave of sickness & dizziness sweeping over me. I often forget to eat & when I do eat I eat crap. I'm paranoid & terrified that I will drop down dead from some sort of heart attack due to poor diet & being underweight (I'm not underweight - yet) & it all goes in those ever turning circles. I wish knowing was enough to make it stop. I wish that I could just snap my fingers & get on with life, but at the moment I feel weary & worn. Tomorrow, I will get up & I will show strength some more, but for how long?

The gaps between the dark days are getting longer. I see the sun is shining, both outside & inside my minds eye, more often than it has for a long time & my good days really are good ones. They are good instead of not-so-bad days. But the bad days? Well, they are brief & sparse & I am so thankful for this but they seem more intense, they hurt more. There is anger in the mix too. I think this is a show of my strength returning but my anger is often wrongly directed.

Overall, I'm positive & I feel as though this is a new stage of the journey. The conrtast is greater but I have the upper hand now.

There's light, people. There's a little ray of light.


  1. Lovely words, thank you for being brave enough to share them

  2. Wondering if the past still results in these feelings in some way.
    Take care of you

  3. Take each day as it comes, enjoy the goodtimes and ignore tomorrow

  4. It's a long journey for some (as I am begining to to realise) and you have to be kind to yourself when you are in the dark days. Celebrate the 'sunny' days and allow yourself rest on the other days. As for food, maybe you should make yourself some lunch the night before, you may be more inclined to remember or be bothered to eat it?

    I hope tommorrow is a better day, I understand so much how you feel and I wish I could wave a magic wand, but I have yet to find one.

    Take Care X

  5. Thank you all for your comments. It really is lovely to get response & I know there lots of you out there who get it.
    The idea about the lunch is definitely a good one, I'll give it a go!

    Ta peeps :)


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