Oh baby, I can groove..

It's Tuesday & this week I'm going to be much less tardy with my Grooving Mums post! Honest...

So, as you know I'm still joining in with Kate On Thin Ice's blog hop to get back my grooove...& though another bad week has occured I'm determined to focus on the positives.

This week Kate has set us a few challenges, the first of which is to think of your own challenge. Never one to be very good at motivating myself I am very tempted to set myself something sneaky like 'Eat copious amounts of curried pineapple in order to induce labour' but alas I think this is more of an inevitability rather than something I can count as challenging.

Recently I have realised that though I set up this blog to talk about my expanding family & keep track of all the lovely things we do, the focus has shifted, rather selfishly onto me & my personal struggle with pregnancy & though I do not want to stop blogging about how I feel, I think my challenge must be to put in some more posts about just how wonderful my beautiful daughter is. She is, after all, the reason I keep going & is soon to have a sibling who I will fall equally as in love with. Having said that, she isn't here for the week - freedom hurrah! but why do I miss her so? - but I'm aiming to try & compile a post about the great things we've done over the past few weeks.

Kate's second challenge is to investigate poetry & give an example of a poem you love. Though I do love literature, I often find poetry hard work & shy away, or I find that I get over-involved in poetry, as I do with songs, & then end up having nervous breakdowns. I was going to choose 'The Owl & The Pussy Cat' by Edward Lear, as it's a lovely nonesense rhyme & also what I would love to call the coffee shop I dream of one day owning, but instead I'm cheating. I'd like some lyrics from a song that I related a lot to when I was single, but actually now I think part of me relates to them even more, it also makes me think about #groovingmums too, particularly the verse beginning 'In the hours before breakfast...'. The singer is an Alaskan woman called Molly Venter & the song 'Sleep at Night' goes like this:

She steps outside and takes a breath
Like it's the last breath before she goes among the circus of performers
With smiles on their faces and she says
"I don't belong here, I don't belong here.".
Well she's marking off her checklist and making conversation
And forcing her smile today.
She cannot find a reason for her to be unhappy,
But suddenly she's lost for words to say.

And everybody feels like he doesn't belong among all the happy faces sometimes,
And everybody feels like he's the only one who can't sleep at night.

He hands her a strong drink, leans in too close for comfort
Before she can say goodbye.
Do you want to know a secret?
Learn to say "I love you." without needing to hear a reply.
Cause I have lost many friends,
There is only so much I can write in a letter
And if I had to do over again there is only one person I would have called
And now, finish your drink dear and I will walk you home,
Finish your drink dear and I will walk you home.

In the hours before breakfast with the boys
She is losing her patience, she is losing her poise.
I am tired, she thinks, and I'm late.
I don't remember warm weather, thanksgiving's not forever.
I used to work pretty damn hard and now I don't know where I lost my ambition
But I just want to wake up one morning and not worry about my dress size or my GPA
Or just how long it's been,
Just how long it's been.

And everybody feels like he doesn't belong among all the happy faces sometimes,
And everybody feels like he's the only one who can't sleep at night.

It's not until she walks out far from any street light she notices her hands are tied,
It's not until the wind stops that she knows by her own breath
She needs to be alone to sigh
And it's strange how thick silence feels in the air,
Oh and it's strange how thick silence feels in the air.

And everybody feels like... everybody feels like....

And I, I'll let you walk alone he says,
But I'd rather take you home to bed
And she thinks well it'd be so nice to go home with somebody,
Yes it'd be so nice to go home with somebody, tonight.

You can download it on iTunes, it really is an eerily beautiful & moving song from a little known but hugely talented musician.

Challenge number three is to dance. Well, I can tell you that I am so totally on it I think I've surpassed an entire weeks worth of dancing in an evening. As you may know I went to see the sexy men that call themselves the Red Hot Chili Peppers yesterday evening in Manchester & being 39 weeks pregnant did not hold me back. I bloody love that band & the were on fire & though I'm feeling the effects right now of over-exertion I had such a blast that I don't care! They played songs I've always wanted to hear live, dirty-funky-sexy-goodness. & we were so close too. Oh, it was just heaven for me!

Number four is to take part in a listography blog-hop. I can tell you that I am just not that interesting so I hope you are all ready to be disappointed but I'll get on with it at some point this week!

All in all, another crappy week but with some good bits that made it bearable. This week I shall mainly just be waiting on baby, too so I'll keep you all informed!

Keep grooving!

Grooving Mums & the Week of No Blogging

For the past week I have been attempting to write a post, using pictures from the past five years of my life to illustrate what visible changes have taken place in me & how that corresponds to where I have been in my life, womanhood. motherhood & the rest. I have actually found it much more difficult than I expected. I spent yesterday evening trying to organise all the pictures I wanted to use & after faffing around for an hour I was drained by it all. Not just by the technical computery crap, but by looking at all these snapshots of the varying lives I've had - it feels as though I've been a million different people, but only a handful of these people I've liked & I certainly aren't any of these likable characters at the moment.

When I saw the MH woman, one of the questions she asked me was 'What do you like about yourself?'. This took me by surprise & honestly, quite honestly, I could not think of one single thing. I thought for a  long time, 'Umm & ahh..' & yet I couldn't. I laughed a little & I cried a little. This has stuck with me, & so I think that one of my #groovingmums goals should be to change this. I am not sure how, but it must change.

I think I am in need of a re-cap of the week, in relation to my goals & aims. I have had a strange week of no blogging, being fairly busy with other projects in between the overwhelming tiredness I've felt of late. I have struggled this week with my emotions, too, so I think that has been detrimental to my energy levels. After visiting parents & family & being told that I looked pale & thin I have had a bit of a reality check & tried to eat much more than I usually would. I have basically used this as an excuse to indulge - Bailey's Ice Cream, biscuits, lots of milk & dairy - but I have been struggling to feel as though I'm getting enough protein, so this is possibly what I need to consider further this week. This week I also did a craft fair with my Mum. It was lovely & even though I was feeling pretty shit I really enjoyed it, it reminded me of being a little girl as I spent many weekends at craft fairs with my Granny & Mum. They always have a similar atmosphere, right down to the smell of the place & the buzz of people.

This week Kate set us a few mini tasks. The first was to have a think about ground rules to establish for the Grooving Mums blog hop. Hands up, I totally failed on this front. A good start.

Secondly, she asked us to 'embrace the spirit', whether this be in a religious or meditative way, or however else we should choose to interpret this. Not being religious, & thinking of myself as a fairly rational person, with a love of science & fact this is something that I would interpret in a different way. This is not to say that I don't feel spiritual at times, I think that the mind is an amazingly complex thing, & the range of emotions it is capable of experiencing at once is, well, mind blowing. The things that make me float are often sensory things: tastes, sounds, sights - roughly translating as good food, music & art. This week it was music. I have not felt this way in a long time & you can read about it here.

Third came the task of 'Body Fun' - doing something you wouldn't usually do, such as painting your toenails, having a facial... whatever it is, so long as it makes you feel good. I have to admit that in order to save my skin, which can get very blotchy & spotty, I don't often wear make-up unless I am leaving the house so I didn't break this routine this week, but I have had a hair-cut & feel so much better for it & I'm enjoying experimenting with different styles, as it's been a long time since I had hair this short. As for painting my toenails, I cannot reach them, though I would very much like to!

All in all, it's been a strange week, good & bad, but it's my last few weeks of being pregnant & I am feeling much less guilty for having not done all that much. In fact, to say I was 38 weeks pregnant I actually feel as though I have done quite a lot.

Also, I am away to Manchester this evening to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers (praying that the baby doesn't decide to come any time before 11pm this evening) & I am girlishly excited! I'm certainly going to be grooving.

I'm With You, Cosmic-Cocoon Lady.

The living room is comfy, cosy & warm in every way. I am sat in an ancient saggy armchair which has a rip in the vile terracotta fabric on the arm. My knees squish up to the rip & soothe it with the good mood that is currently oozing from every part of me. Daughter climbs up, knocking wheaty-filled Bagpuss from the arm (I imagine him to cry out “MOW!”) & sits, using my hip as a seat & my feet, which are tucked under my bum as a leg rest. She is interrupting my flow, but I don’t mind.

She is tired of dancing to our current soundtrack & is instead opting for pestering me, her second favourite thing to do. My right ear feels hot, I’m not sure this is relevant, but you never know.

I have 11 days until I am due to give birth. It could happen any time now. What I am most concerned about, other than baby’s health, blah, blah… is in relation to our soundtrack. I am in a state of cosmic calm, inside my woollen cocoon of happiness & the sound that vibrates into my ears from said cosmic-cocoon is the album ‘I’m With You’ by a band I love, love, love – the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

The Chilis albums are all related to various times in my life & memories of people, places & emotions, as is inevitable with any well-loved & oft-played collections of music. My confession, however, is that though this is probably my favourite band we’re talking about this is the first time I have actually, properly, really sat down to listen to this album, despite having pre-ordered it. Usually I’m in there like a ferret up your trouser-leg (yes, your trouser-leg) but I’m all grown up now & suffering all the shite that comes with being an adult, a mother & a member of this messed up society. The last album was released when I was in college; before I was a Mummy & when my only angst was that of the teenage variety.

To be entirely truthful I was a little scared of disappointment but even more worried of associating something by a band who I connect with ‘glory days’ with the way I feel now. I was scared that all the difficulty of depression & the anxiety I feel about the baby & my risk of PND would ruin one of the few things that remind me of who I really am, beneath all this.

Daughter is dancing again.

I wasn’t disappointed – in any way. The album is bloody good. Bloody good. It feels rosy, warm, funky, dirty & strangely familiar all at once. I feel as though it could fill the void caused by the lack of flaming log fire (due to Man-useless-at-collecting-firewood-ugg) & I can’t wait to get to know it’s ins & outs; for its sounds, harmonies, flaws, quirks & individuality to wash over me & become familiar to my brain & I can’t wait to decorate my Christmas tree & wrap the family’s presents in my own perfect space with this resonating around the room, into my brain & out again as I shuffle & wrap, groove & wrap, sing [wail] & wrap.

Most of all I cannot wait for the indescribable excitement & joy of hearing these songs played live & seeing exactly what is made of them by their masters. Since I was 14, there hasn’t been a Chilis tour that I haven’t been to. I have our tickets for this Monday – five days before my due date. I am praying that baby does not decide to come before or on Monday. There is a very insensible part of me that thinks it would be entirely wonderful for the psychedelic wonder-vibes to send me into labour but this is not, I realise, entirely practical. I am also wondering if it’s acceptable to take your child to its first gig at less than a week old, should baby decide to show up early. Daughter went to her first festival at age three months… I’ll think on it. Either way, keep your fingers crossed I make it to Monday (& I’ll keep my legs crossed…).

Peace, from your local cosmic-cocoon lady.