Monday, 7 November 2011

Last Winter: What a difference a year makes...

I haven't blogged or even written in six days. I have a head swimming with ideas but I haven't had the time to put them to paper & so I feel I must find something to put out there - this neglect shall not do!

With the onset of Winter & all the feelings & emotions related to this season, as well as the memories of past Winters, I thought it appropriate to share a small slice of what my story was this time last year. This is a recycled post from another blog which is focused more on my past relationships & love life. It is the beginning of my last single episode & I think it's important to let you know that just one year on I feel that I have reached my Happy Ending. I don't mean in terms of feeling happy within myself - myself is a totally different story - but in love & partnership I have found something that makes it all worthwhile. I am not naive enough to believe that this will last forever & be easy to boot, but I have certainly found a Man who is worth the effort of a relationship & who I feel entirely fortunate to have in my life. This is something I have never truly felt before. I also think it's worth mentioning that shortly after my promotion at work, the business went under & I was left with even less than nothing, materially, but I did have that Man I met on the internet & our baby. Talk about being a fast-mover.

It was this time last year that I had very little, in the material sense at the very least, due to a break-up...

Singledom always comes in short spurts for me. Though I enjoy freedom & find relationships to be hard work at times I still can’t quite shake the innate urge to couple-up, to feel loved & needed & to reciprocate these feelings.

It’s never that simple though, is it?

The last relationship had ended under dubious & dangerous circumstances. Circumstances which were almost entirely my fault & which I am not yet brave enough to put to paper. It was the beginning of the very cold winter. A week or so after he & his possessions had left the house, the outside pipes that drained the washing machine froze in mid-cycle (it was -14 degrees) & the kitchen flooded. I wept. Thankfully, all was not so bad. The very same day I finally had a bed of my own & the prospect of a comfy mattress as opposed to a constantly-deflating airbed was heavenly. That week I had also acquired a table & a desk so was no longer living completely like a squatter in my own home! So, things were looking better, even if I did have to revisit the days of squelching garments underfoot in the bath.

I’d had some dates that were not worth the effort of description, but all in all come Christmas I was not yet ready. Something was missing. I think I needed a life again before love, or the prospect of it. A coffee table & a giant rug would have been nice too.

Christmas was a warm & very welcome distraction. We spent it at Home – my parent’s house. We all ate & drank like gluttons & basked in the heat of the open fire for a blissful week. There was Christmas TV (something I love to indulge in due to not personally owning a TV at the time - though compromise means that I do now & consequently feel no such thrill for this coming Christmas); there was always company; & most importantly there was that constant, unspoken love.

I prolonged the escape by visiting my very favourite friend in Shrewsbury. We spent an enjoyable & tipsy New Year together, in the company of other wonderful folk. During this time, things changed. I received a call telling me I’d been promoted at work. This meant that a coffee table would be on the cards, it also meant challenges & fulfilment. The affection I received from friends & family filled me with a pleasure that cannot be obtained from any other source. I was finally living comfortably – I had a good job; I had a house to call my own; my daughter was, as ever, perfectly wonderful; I had security & was loved. But I was not in love.

I decided that I would be. I put myself out there – literally. I had several pairs of friends who had met via that wonderful platform that is the internet. I was sceptical at first but, I was in good humour & feeling bold so I joined. I paid & everything.

Why not?

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