On Losing My Footing & The Climb Ahead

This time last year I was single & working (fairly) hard. I was the manager of a cafe, & felt more or less on top of life, except that I had nobody to share it with & tended to eat a lot of cake instead. These were things I was working on, though strangely my weight wasn't much of a knock on my confidence - I had some very pretty dresses, & was very 'out there' in said pretty dresses. I'd joined match.com & had had some dates. It was all pretty fun but I definitely remember hungering for more than carrot cake. In a very cliched way I wanted to love & to be loved. It was all I could really think about & I imagined it would be a long & arduous journey to hunt down a man of worth.

It was around this time that I decided to enrol on a climbing course. Though I was mainly motivated by the fact that it was always something I had wanted to try but never got round to, I have to admit that I had half-jokingly expressed the idea that I might date a man who was courageous & bold - ie a mountaineer. In hindsight someone had clearly been spiking the chocolate cake, but who was I to know?

I went to the classes with my good friend, & then boss, L, & enjoyed it thoroughly on the climbing front, though our instructor was disappointingly skinny & boyish, not at all heroic. Never mind.

I never got to finish the course, though a few weeks later I met (via match) a man who I would soon fall for, who would love me & who I could love without any fear. Though he wasn't a mountaineer, he was, & is, everything I had wished for, not in the particular form I had imagined, but in every form I have needed. If it was a crap novel he would be 'the one'.

Fast forward to today. I live with 'the one' & what is more we have a precious baby girl. Not long after we met, we 'fell pregnant'. I'm not sure how you 'fall' pregnant but that's what happened. I fell in love & then I fell pregnant. Next I sort of fell off the face of the earth. After all that falling I'm now attempting to do a bit of climbing, back into the world & to become the woman I was a year ago. After finding love so easily I had no idea that all that stuff I previously had & finding my footing in the crevasse between family life & adult life would actually hardest things to achieve.

Its all about finding strength & balance, being agile & enduring the particularly tough bits as well as having good mental control.

I suppose the point is that it is easy to think 'What is life, if you have nobody to share it with?' but we should also bear in mind the thought 'What is love, if you have nothing to share?'

Groovy Mums

As you know, I take part in KateOnThinIce's Groovy Mums blog hop.

I haven't been too great recently & therefore not much of great meaning has appeared on my blog & I feel sad that I haven't been feeling up to getting groovy. This week is better & so I'll be telling you how I've been getting on with the challenges in just a second!

Firstly though, I just want to say that if you are a mum who has been considering Kate's challenge, or even if you haven't seen the blog hop before but think it might be for you then I would wholly encourage you to go & check it out, maybe try for a week or so. Follow Kate & the girls on Twitter if you fancy a bit of banter (search #groovymums). Everyone who takes part in this blog hop is exceptional. I've never met a nicer group of ladies (though technically I haven't met any of them, I'm sure there's a little irony in there) who are so giving & supporting. Without wishing to sound gushy, the support that these perfect strangers have offered me in the past month has helped immeasurably. There's a whole lotta love & wisdom going on there & though I am guilty of sometimes falling behind with the reading, whenever I do read what these ladies have to say I am never disappointed, in fact I am always filled with emotion by them.

Anyway, vomitousness over. This weeks challenges:


1. Body – How are you sleeping? How can you ensure you get better quality sleep?

I am sleeping terribly. I have had a week of anxiety & bedtime (as well as daytime) tears. I am slightly on the up now but I feel horrendous that most night I can't get to sleep until the wee hours & wake up so late. This isn't fair on my girls & I'm doing what I can, but mostly the anxiety & depression is winning. I hope this changes as I get more support. I bought some chamomile tea this week, but am yet to imbibe, I have also being trying (& mostly failing) to cut down on caffeine. Hopefully now that things are on the up & I should soon be getting some anti-depressants my stresses shan't be so prevalent.

2. Mind – Our children have reward charts and get stickers when they do well? Could you play with this idea and create your own chart or adapt a child’s one

Well, the girls do not have reward charts as it stands, but this has got me thinking that it could be a good idea for eldest (3yo) as she is getting to the stage where she needs a little more structure in her tasks for the day. As for me, my iPhone is my best friend. I have finally worked out how to create a to-do list on my reminders app & am slowly but surely getting there with what i must do, particularly on the better days.

3. Spirit – Is the spirit willing? You can respond to this one in whatever way you see fit.

My spirit sometimes ups & vanishes, but when it's here it's a bit wobbly. As I say, I have good days & bad days. I am looking forward to the weekend, as we are going out & leaving the girls with my parents. Hopefully the, er, spirits (of the alcoholic kind) will return & I shall be merry & dancing!

4. Blog – Have you attended a blogger event? Have you met any bloggers in the flesh? 

Though I haven't met any bloggers in the flesh yet I have booked my ticket for BlogCamp UK! Exciting! The Man, who has his own little blog here was also going to come with me, but he couldn't get a ticket, so I shall be going it alone! Nervous, but very excited for this! Is anyone else reading going??! Kate is also speaking at Brit Mums, I would love to go, but money is the issue with that one, but you never know, if I could blag something...

5. It is the creator of Winnie the Pooh’s birthday this week. So, as a bit of fun, why not work out which Winnie the Pooh character you are most like and why?

Well, A.A. Milne is one of my favourites. Winnie the Pooh books (the proper ones, none of this Disney shite) are my book of choice for reading to the girls & I try my hardest to persuade her that's what we should read! I'd say that a lot of days I feel as Eeyore does, lonely & lethargic but secretly knowing that I have these wonderful creatures who would do anything for me, though I've never lost my tail, or in fact had a tail to lose! Sometimes I feel tiny & worrisome like Piglet, though I think I would most like to be Kanga. A pouch for littlest would be helpful too!

6. The Big Question – How is your sex life? Oh, I know we are not supposed to talk about religion, sex and politics but you know me, I like breaking the rules. So how are things in the bedroom (or your venue of choice)?

Well, I've approached this issue with caution. Caution tells me to be frugal with my words.
Flinging caution to the wind, I would have to be entirely honest & say that sex seven weeks after giving birth is non-existent. For the moment anyway. In fact it has been pretty non-existent for months now & though this is most unlike me, I didn't really mind. Now that I am a little more back to normal let's just say that, looking back, it seems there has been a direct correlation between my low moods & the low amount of bedroom action (which affects which is anyone's guess, however the only way to find this out is to experiment). I plan on being ecstatic in the near future.

17. But Why's The Rum Gone?

Because I discovered a delicious new way in which to imbibe that scrumptious stuff!

It's hot buttered rum day in America (or so teitter tells me). Not knowing what buttered rum was but sensing I could be onto a life-changing discovery here I decided to investigate. Basically, stick a tbsp of butter, a tbsp of sugar, a generous helping of festive spices & of course a good slosh of rum into a mug, top up with hot water & you have miracle-drink! Perfection!

16. A Winter Warmer

Today, simply one of my favourite meals ever. Plain, simple, oxtail stew with dumplings.

When I was a child  I spent a lot of my time with my Grandfather. He was a butcher & so knew all there was to know about how to make the most of meat. On winter afternoons I would come home from school, being careful to avoid the ice on the flag-stone path. It would absolutely make my day if I was greeted by a warm & utterly delicious smell filling the kitchen, & I wasn't often disappointed. We would make the dumplings together & I'd be thrilled to see them triple in size, as though by magic! What makes a good stew even better is the fact that the smell is so pleasing that you can practically taste it hours before it is cooked. When it is finally served it is always so hot that you have to wait a good ten minutes to become edible & so this anticipation makes it even more satisfying when it is warming you from the inside out.

What I'm trying to say, is that I really, really, love stew. & don't get me started on the dumplings.

14 & 15.

14.
Day 14 was perfection. I spent the day in that city I love with some people I love very much. It was bliss. So in honour of that here are those wonderful women! Strangely, I couldn't find a single picture of us all together, so I'll stick a couple on from varying times in the past!

15.
Day 15 is lazy Sunday. We had roast dinner & have spent the day in the traditional Sunday way - putting our feet up & doing nowt. Grand!

 

 

12 & 13. Thursday & Friday Thoughts.

12.
Yesterday wasn't such a good day, so I had a little time out & did some wandering about the streets of York. There really is no better place to be depressed. I'm so familiar with the city, with its seasons & hidden treasures. York is unassumingly beautiful, even the grandeur of the Minster is somehow unpretentious. Maybe I feel this way because we are so well-acquainted, buut whatever the reason, when I'm blue York can offer me solace & anonimity & this is why I love it so.

The Eye has returned to York & Eldest so wants to go on it, she was thrilled to see it all lit up yesterday evening. We will go on it soon & I am sure she will realise at the top that she wants to get off!

13.
Today my thoughts have been cluttering up my brain, swimming around with no real direction or order so I wrote them down. It helped.

11. Creature Comforts at Rosey Cottage

Today, we girlies have come to my Mum's house. The place I still call home, or at least one of my homes! Everything is so warm & familiar here, but the best part is that I don't have to be constantly thinking about what the kids are doing, what they need or what they want because there's always someone else about who will happily entertain them. Utterly relaxed! We do miss Daddy though.

The most exciting thing about Nanny's house, however, is her NEW CAT! Mum has called her Porsche (because she thinks it's funny, not because she's that kind of woman!) & she has the biggest tail I've ever seen in my life. She's a pretty Maincoon & a perfect playmate for Mum's other cat, Ping Pong. Yes, Ping Pong.