Sunday, 18 March 2012

Drowning, Not Waving?

Tomorrow I am 23. With two children in tow, I am wading a little out of depth for my age. I have spent most of my adult life being told how wise I am for my years but feeling hopelessly young & often naive. I have learned a lot in the past four years or so. I have been through a hell of a lot, yet looking back, the things I have endured that seem the most hellish didn't seem to have too much of an immediate affect on me. It is only with a little more added on top that I begin to realise how these experiences have changed me, for the better & for the worse. Anxiety, depression & all the rest I don't think would ever have been so severe without some exaserbating factors & aggrevating people that have crossed my path & yet I think that without these experiences I would be no better off. They allow me context in which to take everything else which has followed. Things could always be worse & will certainly get better.

Love is something which baffles me & I often wonder if it is real. I've thought I've felt it on many occasions but with each end & restart I'm unsure. The conclusion I make is that romantic love changes & differs from that which has gone before & to take each experience with caution & open-mindedness.

As I look back I laugh at how naive I have been, at how my imagination & assumptions have often contributed to my lack of good judgement on certain characters. I have been guilty of elaborating on someones personality & only after some time realising what I have done. I wonder what I will think of myself with hindsight in years to come. These days I approach with a little more caution but I think that it will always be a ritual that I am bound to repeat. No doubt in the years to come I will be looking back on my 23 year old self & still be laughing at the naivety of me.

People move in strange ways & life is a constant learning curve, but I hope that one day I will be waving, rather than drowning in this ocean of my own creation.

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