Fundraising...How?!

As you all know, in September I plan on running  the Great North Run for Mind. To do this Ineed at least £300 of sponsorship. Turns out this is all a little bit tricky!

What I'd like to know is how have you raised money for a cause in the past?

I'm thinking bake sales & putting some stuff on eBay, but have you got any more creative or plain ingenious ideas?

If you would like to sponsor me or see more about why I'm doing the run then please see my fundraising page.

Thamks all, look forward to hearing your suggestions!

Last Night

Looking back on last nights pitch black darkness post, I think it's fair to say I was slightly over-reacting. The thing that I forgot to take into consideration is that my partner is not the type to go into some strip club for his own satisfaction at any given time. Though the whole industry does not sit well with me he is not hugely buying into this & so I can cope with that. After all, he writes blog posts about how wonderful I am while mostly I just air my insecurities on my blog. I think that says a lot.

Last night was not a good one. I've been doing well, but last night I was well & truly going out of my mind. It was the kind of night that saw me rendered incapable of switching off that ever-anxious mind of mine.

Two thirty came as I was losing it in the bathroom, tearing through the medicine basket, & lining up what was there, just to see. Not much, as it happened. It's so stupid when I think back. So bloody stupid but when I'm there I'm blind to anything else. Trapped in my claustrophobic black box. Three o'clock came & saw me pull myself together slightly, only to fall apart again fifteen minutes later. I text a friend describing my piteous state & she was there. I am very, very lucky to have someone there for me when I need. Very lucky indeed, & once again I calmed.

Three forty five. I needed to get out of the house. I left & walked up the street & back. The stillness & darkness was comforting & the crisp, clear air that allowed me a panoramic view of the blue-black, star sprinkled sky was refreshing. I wasn't in the least bit tired & so I gazed into the unfathomable, for as long as I dare, before I spotted a figure at the end of the street. I was nervous & so I made my way back into the four walls & felt instantly confined. Chamomile tea. A little writing. Back to bed.

Four thirty & I cried & cried & cried. My partner woke but didn't know what to do, in half a stupour. I don't know what to do on these nights either, so he must feel even more helpless. I cried & I talked but I didn't talk about the medicine basket stuff. I felt such an idiot. That stuff doesn't make any sense when you say it out loud. It's really scary too.

Today, well, I've stopped crying I think. I told him about the scary stuff. Today is the hangover. Tomorrow is starting yet again.

The Battle

I know how stupid I sound. In fact, I know how ridiculous all this really is - the tense feeling in my chest, the writhing in my stomach & the hot surges of adrenaline that burst through me for the smallest of reasons. I know that this is all caused by some malfunction, some imbalance in my brain. It's just that I'm going a bit wrong & I know that it can be fixed. I know all this & yet, just knowing is not enough to make it stop.

I want to finish this & I want to finish it now.

For a change, my moods have been good & I've felt as though the suffocating presence of the beast that is my depression has lifted somewhat. The beast has retreated for a while. I can breathe now, but I cannot relax. The anxiety makes me feel sick, so sick that I find it difficult to eat, that is when I remember to. I am excruciatingly aware of the fact that I must eat for it to abate & I am feeling stronger - my fight is back - yet the beast has changed. It can't hold me in it's grasp & smother me at the moment & so it is trying to trip me instead.

Sometimes I feel as though I am battling so hard & so well that I am on the edge of victory, but never have a been able to end the fight & most of times I don't believe I ever will. I think this could be something that I will have to do for the rest of my life. I can only hope that the beast will tire & some of the time I will get to rest. I will get to breathe; smile; be.

As I write, there is a wave of sickness & dizziness sweeping over me. I often forget to eat & when I do eat I eat crap. I'm paranoid & terrified that I will drop down dead from some sort of heart attack due to poor diet & being underweight (I'm not underweight - yet) & it all goes in those ever turning circles. I wish knowing was enough to make it stop. I wish that I could just snap my fingers & get on with life, but at the moment I feel weary & worn. Tomorrow, I will get up & I will show strength some more, but for how long?

The gaps between the dark days are getting longer. I see the sun is shining, both outside & inside my minds eye, more often than it has for a long time & my good days really are good ones. They are good instead of not-so-bad days. But the bad days? Well, they are brief & sparse & I am so thankful for this but they seem more intense, they hurt more. There is anger in the mix too. I think this is a show of my strength returning but my anger is often wrongly directed.

Overall, I'm positive & I feel as though this is a new stage of the journey. The conrtast is greater but I have the upper hand now.

There's light, people. There's a little ray of light.

Groovy Mums

As you know, I take part in KateOnThinIce's Groovy Mums blog hop.

I haven't been too great recently & therefore not much of great meaning has appeared on my blog & I feel sad that I haven't been feeling up to getting groovy. This week is better & so I'll be telling you how I've been getting on with the challenges in just a second!

Firstly though, I just want to say that if you are a mum who has been considering Kate's challenge, or even if you haven't seen the blog hop before but think it might be for you then I would wholly encourage you to go & check it out, maybe try for a week or so. Follow Kate & the girls on Twitter if you fancy a bit of banter (search #groovymums). Everyone who takes part in this blog hop is exceptional. I've never met a nicer group of ladies (though technically I haven't met any of them, I'm sure there's a little irony in there) who are so giving & supporting. Without wishing to sound gushy, the support that these perfect strangers have offered me in the past month has helped immeasurably. There's a whole lotta love & wisdom going on there & though I am guilty of sometimes falling behind with the reading, whenever I do read what these ladies have to say I am never disappointed, in fact I am always filled with emotion by them.

Anyway, vomitousness over. This weeks challenges:


1. Body – How are you sleeping? How can you ensure you get better quality sleep?

I am sleeping terribly. I have had a week of anxiety & bedtime (as well as daytime) tears. I am slightly on the up now but I feel horrendous that most night I can't get to sleep until the wee hours & wake up so late. This isn't fair on my girls & I'm doing what I can, but mostly the anxiety & depression is winning. I hope this changes as I get more support. I bought some chamomile tea this week, but am yet to imbibe, I have also being trying (& mostly failing) to cut down on caffeine. Hopefully now that things are on the up & I should soon be getting some anti-depressants my stresses shan't be so prevalent.

2. Mind – Our children have reward charts and get stickers when they do well? Could you play with this idea and create your own chart or adapt a child’s one

Well, the girls do not have reward charts as it stands, but this has got me thinking that it could be a good idea for eldest (3yo) as she is getting to the stage where she needs a little more structure in her tasks for the day. As for me, my iPhone is my best friend. I have finally worked out how to create a to-do list on my reminders app & am slowly but surely getting there with what i must do, particularly on the better days.

3. Spirit – Is the spirit willing? You can respond to this one in whatever way you see fit.

My spirit sometimes ups & vanishes, but when it's here it's a bit wobbly. As I say, I have good days & bad days. I am looking forward to the weekend, as we are going out & leaving the girls with my parents. Hopefully the, er, spirits (of the alcoholic kind) will return & I shall be merry & dancing!

4. Blog – Have you attended a blogger event? Have you met any bloggers in the flesh? 

Though I haven't met any bloggers in the flesh yet I have booked my ticket for BlogCamp UK! Exciting! The Man, who has his own little blog here was also going to come with me, but he couldn't get a ticket, so I shall be going it alone! Nervous, but very excited for this! Is anyone else reading going??! Kate is also speaking at Brit Mums, I would love to go, but money is the issue with that one, but you never know, if I could blag something...

5. It is the creator of Winnie the Pooh’s birthday this week. So, as a bit of fun, why not work out which Winnie the Pooh character you are most like and why?

Well, A.A. Milne is one of my favourites. Winnie the Pooh books (the proper ones, none of this Disney shite) are my book of choice for reading to the girls & I try my hardest to persuade her that's what we should read! I'd say that a lot of days I feel as Eeyore does, lonely & lethargic but secretly knowing that I have these wonderful creatures who would do anything for me, though I've never lost my tail, or in fact had a tail to lose! Sometimes I feel tiny & worrisome like Piglet, though I think I would most like to be Kanga. A pouch for littlest would be helpful too!

6. The Big Question – How is your sex life? Oh, I know we are not supposed to talk about religion, sex and politics but you know me, I like breaking the rules. So how are things in the bedroom (or your venue of choice)?

Well, I've approached this issue with caution. Caution tells me to be frugal with my words.
Flinging caution to the wind, I would have to be entirely honest & say that sex seven weeks after giving birth is non-existent. For the moment anyway. In fact it has been pretty non-existent for months now & though this is most unlike me, I didn't really mind. Now that I am a little more back to normal let's just say that, looking back, it seems there has been a direct correlation between my low moods & the low amount of bedroom action (which affects which is anyone's guess, however the only way to find this out is to experiment). I plan on being ecstatic in the near future.

On Judgement & Actually Losing My Mind

Today has been a bad day. A very bad day.

I feel okay now. I don't understand it, really. I've been flat for days & I suppose I knew it was coming but also hoping it might not. I just didn't know it'd be so bad. I'm making it sound melodramatic & dicky & I haven't any right to be a melodramatic dick. It was just all shit, & mostly I feel as though I deserve to feel this way, but whether that's true or not I don't want to.

As I say, I've felt numb & fairly irritable for a few days which is usually a sign that things are going to come to a head. It started, I think, from something so pointless & stupid that I feel petty even writing it. The Man's friend text him asking him what we were up to tomorrow. We hadn't anything planned so I thought it'd be nice to have people over. A little while later the Man said to me "He's just suggested he come over, but his OH wants to come too so he thought that we could go to the local while you keep the kids entertained."

To be honest, I think it was just badly phrased but I was pretty damn offended by the assumption that I'd be happy to sit at home with the kids (like every other day) with someone who, admittedly is lovely & I'd like to get to know better, but at the moment I hardly know. In fact I don't think it was even that part, it was just the assumption. So I expressed my mild offence taken at this suggestion & voiced my need for a pint, but there wasn't any real reason for me to object. That was that & later the Man went to work & I got on. I realised that I was still thinking about this a few hours later & so I decided to have a shower.

So I'm in the shower & I'm thinking about the assumption more & more & I'm pretty angry by this point, but I can't really understand why.

"He needs his man time" I tell myself, & I agree.

"Just because you haven't been able to go for a pint yet there's no reason to feel annoyed at him" I say, & I agree.

"He'd do the same for you" I convince myself. I know, but I think I'd ask rather than assume. Wouldn't I? I don't know.

"It's not him that's the problem here is it?" No, I don't think it is.

"Why haven't you been out?" I don't know. I'm breast feeding, my friends haven't been free, I'm reluctant to leave the baby...

"Really?" I don't know.

By this point, though I've tried to rationalise the situation I am still pretty pissed off - in fact probably more pissed off because logic isn't helping my case - but none of the anger or upset I'm feeling has any reason or direction. Am I angry at myself? Am I jealous that I can't just go out at the drop of a hat? I'm sobbing, I'm bawling, & why? I have no idea but I can't stop it. I feel as though I am imploding & there is nothing I can do about it. Usually the four walls of the shower cubicle shut the rest of the world out for me & I can relax but today they have me trapped & now I'm crouching on the floor gagging because I'm sobbing so hard. What the fuck is wrong with me? I think I am actually losing my mind. This is pathetic. I am pathetic.

"Just look at what you have" Yes, exactly. Everything I don't deserve.

I can't stop my tears & I am crying out loudly now. With each heave of my arched back & each sob I try to compose myself but I still can't. My head hurts now, but apart from that there is just blankness & numbness. I feel as though I'm a record that's got stuck. This is supposed to be the part where the sobbing stops & I calm down & then everything looks a bit brighter but it's not happening, just stuck, sob after sob after sob. I don't know what else I can do but scream & so in frustration I hit the tiled wall of the shower with my fist & it hurts a lot. But it feels like a release. I am not stupid & I do not do it again because I know if I start I won't stop. I've only ever felt like this once before, briefly, when I was about 18 or 19 & now I am becoming scared.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I am actually losing my mind. I step out of the shower & continue to sob loudly until Eldest comes into the room. She asks what I'm laughing at. I face the mirror & tell her it's nothing & she goes again. I try plucking my eyebrows as a distraction but I am repulsed by my own hideous, tear-strewn reflection & so I go to get dressed, still crying like a baby. Eldest comes in & she is beautiful in her vile top & pretty skirt - a combination she chose herself - & now she has realised that I'm crying, not laughing. She asks whether I am ill, or just sad. I tell her it's okay & she then says that I'm not to worry because she will cheer me up. She is bouncing on the bed with her arms wide open, smiling at me. I sit next to her & sit her on my knee & tell her how wonderful she is. She knows. I don't deserve such an amazing daughter, but I am thankful every day that I have her.

I know that I need to write, because it's a good therapy. I know that my laptop will get very wet in the process. I think about what I will say & I know that none of it makes any sense whatsoever. Then I start to imagine what a nut-job I must sound. I imagine the Man, whom I do not deserve one little bit, down the pub or wherever, with his friends who might have stumbled upon my post. I imagine what they would think. Or at least, what I think they would think.

"Proper looper mate, I'd stay well clear if I were you. You could do better."

I think that maybe they wouldn't say that. After all, I don't know them & the lesson of the day is not to assume, right? I know it's just me putting my own feelings about myself into someone elses mouth, but if I think it, then others are bound to, right? Just in case they did think that perhaps I shouldn't write about this. It is pretty mental after all. I cry for no reason & then I feel good about hurting myself. Maybe I should just call someone who can come & hold me, because that's all I really want. It's the second best therapy. Then no one else will have to know. But who? I am stood thinking about who might come all this way just to hug me because I'm too scared to write & then it hits me - when I'm well, I spend all my time insisting that people should open up; that the best therapy is talking; that others should not judge & though it is the reality that they do judge we should have no shame whatsoever in admitting how we feel & how this illness affects us yet still I am terrified of being judged. Terrified.

I am a massive hypocrite.

There is a long list of shit stuff that I believe I am. I am not prepared to add 'Hypocrite' to that. There isn't the room.

So, I sit & I write.

Fuck every single one of you that judges me, the joke is on you, because aside from when I'm being a proper looper, I am the most normal person I know. It takes knowing madness to enjoy sanity.