When I was pregnant with my second baby I felt so detached from the whole process; so differently from my first glorious, glowing pregnancy that I worried so often that I would still feel no connection to the baby when he or she was placed on my chest for the first time. I couldn't comprehend just how I would be able to love another living creature as much as I loved my daughter. I couldn't imagine feeling that completeness of emotion be shared between two.
Now, as I sit, as I so often do - or at least as often as I get the opportunity - with my youngest daughter clasped firmly to my chest, her head resting against my cheek & her face full of innocence, laced with curiosity, yet somehow looking on with the dignified silence of someone with immeasurable wisdom - I wonder why that should be? - I feel, still, complete. I do not feel as though my love has been shared or stretched, I feel as though it has simply grown, yet all the while nothing has been taken from me. In fact I feel as though more has been given to me. 'Love' does not sum up what I feel for her & for her elder sister. 'Love' doesn't even touch upon it.
Elation.
Her fine flash of downy auburn hair against my cheek is the softest sensation I have ever felt & when I move my face to bury my mouth & nose into her scalp her scent is one so delicious & complex - one that tells me she is made of me. It is different to that of my eldest daughter in a thousand ways yet somehow the same.
As I hold her, in whichever position she is pressed against me it feels as though she fits. I was made to carry her & she was made to be held by me, first inside & now out.
Everything about both my daughters is love. I feel incredibly humbled by the love they have for me as well as the feelings that encompass me when I have them near to me & the anxieties I feel when I don't.
It is not enough to say that they are my world, but I cannot describe it any other way.
They are my world, & everything more.
What a wonderfully heart felt and frank post. I felt very much the same way during my fourth pregnancy. My third had sadly ended in misscarriage, which complicated my feelings towards the baby growing inside of me. Part of me was afraid to become attached in case something went wrong. My daughter is now 9 weeks old and I love her som much that sometimes it's almost painful.
ReplyDeleteHerding Cats x
Thank you for such an honest comment & I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm glad that you & littlest are doing well & congratulations. I have to admit that forthe first few days of her life I was still a little on the numb side & felt rather puzzled as to what to feel as there actually was no feeling there. But now I'm overwhelmed by it. It all comes around :)
DeleteI suffered from some rather extreme pnd with my last child and so I am at that stage now. He is 3 years old now and I still feel the urge to just hug him with pure joy.
ReplyDeleteA lovely post x
It's really tough & I know I'm lucky to have not had it so bad as many other mums. It shows a lot of strength of character on your part though :) & I'm glad you are feeling all that loveliness now! Thank you :)
DeletePart of why I adore my third so intensely is that he was months old before I bonded with him at all. Now I love to look at his beauty, to feel his touch and so on.
ReplyDeleteYour post is utterly gorgeous, no words enough to say how much
"I was made to carry her & she was made to be held by me, first inside & now out" a lovely sentence that articulates how a mother feels. It's not always like this, but when it does hit you it is them most amazing feeling in the world.
ReplyDeleteKate - thank you, it is a strange feeling to know you feel nothing profound for your child when you are expected to. I was lucky it only took me a few days once she was born, but it's comforting to know that its apparently quite usual.
ReplyDeleteBibsey - Thank you, I'm glad you think so! I agree that it isn't always this way but i'm certainly thankful to feel this when I do!